The Writing Group

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-11 11:36:40

...that'd take FOREVER. -_- Plus, it would break up the story too much. You'd get too confused.

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-11 13:13:31

Sorry for the double post but....

I have a problem. I don't know how to foreshadow. Right now I'm rewriting my whole book, though it's not yet completed, and it's far better than before. I suppose when I finish editing Chapter Nine, whose name I need to change, I'll be able to do it better. I also need to work on the transitioning and such of my events and what happens in the story. -_- Mwa! It's so horrible! Bah...but I like my story anyway, even if it's really rough around the edges.

Monisawa · 2005-10-11 19:20:35

Jus' Like my story too. -_- sigh......Teamclaw needs a lot of work. Maybe once I get back from my mission I will revise it.

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-11 23:00:25

Well, I'm working on my talents while I can, because I know they will further the work of God....so..yeah.

blewjewl · 2005-10-12 11:57:49

once was sweet, now unsweet seduced
stepping swiftslow
sweeping and skinlight.

my silent spice to slice the music
stars spark and simmer
my light makes them dimmer
by fiercious fire smolder
my heat makes it colder
i savor to breath steal

but those nights
driven till dawn
are empty and gone

i'll hunt you neath obsidian moons
and slice you
slowly
softly
deeply
with my sweet fanged kisses.

spinning spinning spinning
like drowning stars all
sizzle fizzy in my

spinning

??

um, bite size bellydancers

dreams spilling up the candle wick

spinning makes me sick

spinning spinning spinning
stop

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-12 12:45:52

O_o Well, I like some of your...description, but some of it doesn't make sense..and...why...bellydancers?

jerbl · 2005-10-12 14:14:03

Seraphim Moonshadow wrote:

O_o Well, I like some of your...description, but some of it doesn't make sense..and...why...bellydancers?

Cuz their cool, nuff said.

Monisawa · 2005-10-12 17:48:48

Seraphim Moonshadow wrote:

O_o Well, I like some of your...description, but some of it doesn't make sense..and...why...bellydancers?

I would have to agree that some of it didn't make sense.....but it is proably the style that she used. If you look at each line individually, everything is real cool.

and with Bellydancers....uh, I wonder if I should say anything or let blewjewl explain herself...and why she mentioned that, or said that.
thanks for the postS!!!!!

blewjewl · 2005-10-12 20:46:06

because the phrase bitesize bellydancers is infinitly amusing to me. and something you never woulda thought of.
( hey mike, thought of that one before there was ever anything to explain. ; ) )
it wasn't pose to be a real poem, it was more like the way i make a shake. i stick some random fruit in the blender and see what happens. some of that is nothings and some from about three different poems. i was going to say that maybe they make more sense in thier own respective poems where they belong...
but now i think maybe not. and that makes me happy.
i love to play with words and that was just junk, partly for fun and partly to support this loverly forum cuz i haven't posted in a while.
poetry is one of things that will drive you crazy in school cuz it doesn't make sense and they want you to make it make sense. but when you are creating it, it's fun and it's hard to say anything about it cuz poetry breaks all the rules.
e. e. cummings rocks. even when i have no idea what he's talking about. which is often.

wait, jeremy likes the descriptions or he thinks bellydancers are cool? cuz if he likes bellydancers, i know a couple....

blewjewl · 2005-10-12 21:11:10

alrighty then, now that i have your attention whether you are impressed or not, here is something a little more valid:

Chapter Seven (from some unnamed childrens story)

The dawns light spilled over the hills, frosty and chill. Light touched the trees and hills, light washed over Harmony and the horse she had "tamed" next to the Prince and his horse where they sat on a rise. There was no light however on the dark cave below them, as refusing to touch it, making it even more foreboding. Harmony sighed, rehearsing her weak plan again. They had come in the morning because they hoped the dragon would be sleeping. She planned to awaken the silver stone as soon as she was out of the Prince's sight. Then she hoped to speak with the dragon. Maybe she could bargain with it or persuade it to leave. She rubbed her hands over the horse, absent mindedly. Most animals were better when they understood each other.

The Prince looked at her as if about to speak but Harmony couldn't bear saying good bye and silently urged the horse forward. It grew colder the closer she came to the cave and she knew it wasn't the morning air. She wished she still had her mother's shawl, a little bit of home, a little warmth. Just at the cave's mouth, she woke the speaking stone around her neck. Horse was grumbling.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked.
"This place smells bad." he muttered. "I know exactly who lives in this cave and this wasn't part of the deal."
"Then why did you come?"
"We had a deal. I believe in keeping my word. Or, you could be killed and then the deal would be over and my freedom come the sooner."
Harmony wanted to say something sharp in return, but she didn't have the heart.
She thought he was right. She climbed down.
"Well, if you're going to be grumpy, you can just stay here." she said.
"Well then I will." The horse said.

She already felt lonely without him, but she didn't want to waste anymore time with him. With only the stone and the sword she stepped into the cave. It grew even colder.

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-12 22:26:50

The Moon Ravens of Terra's Fall

CHAPTER ONE

They could have killed us. In a way, I almost wish they had. Then it would be over, wouldn't it? And then I'd be safe in the haven of death and I'd forget my life here. I could forget all that has come to pass. It would be the everlasting slumber where light consumes you and you're floating in a sea of flowers and staring at a sapphire sky filled with calm. I wouldn't see the smog-hued sky crawling with shapes of moon ravens, their eerie cries would no longer meet my ears, and I could live somewhere in a nice little valley and never be hurt.

They almost found me today. It's been so long since I escaped. I don't think I remember how long ago it happened but I remembered my escape. Somehow I did it. It was all so easy, like it had been planned. But I haven't been caught, and so I wonder. I wonder if they meant for me to escape, make me work hard and become tough, then capture my soul and use me as their pawns.

I'm a true orphan now. My brothers and sisters, Ronald and Marianne, swore they would make it so I could escape. For my sake, they died a few weeks before I got out, tortured to death by the Dark Lord Tsurin.

Every night the moon ravens circle, calling out, searching for me. I've learned to sense them by their heat, something no human I'm sure of has learned to do. That is...if you can call me human.

I'm not like the rest of them--

The hand that held the quill shivered as a small whoosh of air passed over the cave and something metallic dropped to the ground. The Stealth Rider checked his gear, lifting up his helmet to reveal a human face intermingled with robot parts. The small hum and click of the gear echoed loudly in the cave.

Ripples of fear clawed at the boy's back as he huddled, startled, behind a boulder. Carefully he struggled not to breath, hoping they didn't have their heat sensors on. The only thing that denoted he was there was the smallest bit of air that accident escaped and turned into freezing mists.

Laser eyes searching, clicking, turning over, the once human creature took one metallic step forward. Behind him the light of the moons ceased to exist in the cave. Something trilled lightly, extremely softly behind the Stealth Rider, as if in inquiry. Gears working louder, the Rider turned and nodded, looking at its watch. The Moon Raven sounded a few gutteral clicks, its claws whispering across the rocky floor. Evil eyes twitching, it oozed past the Rider, tail rattling.

The boy scrunched up even more as the Raven took several slithering steps towards him. Gently its damson tongue slipped into the air, tasting for life, tasting for him. A deep rumble of laughter boiled in its bresket as its furred hands crawled up the side of the boulder. Nostrils billowing, it drank in the scent of human life. Without warning the beast ripped the rock from the ground, sending several shards of it into various parts of the cave.

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-12 22:29:24

Very interesting start, blewjewl...I'd like to see more. *Prances*

Mwarg......I only meant bellydancers...with...because of their immodesty. I'd rather be a vampire!!!!!!!

Monisawa · 2005-10-13 15:33:13

blewjewl wrote:

poetry is one of things that will drive you crazy in school cuz it doesn't make sense and they want you to make it make sense. but when you are creating it, it's fun and it's hard to say anything about it cuz poetry breaks all the rules.

With the poems....I am not sure I liked writing them at school. You had to wear a straight jacket and and there was a WHOLE lot of rules to follow...and and it was worse than doing math. SO MANY RULES to write a particular type of poem...especially the ones they wanted you to write. I like the breaking of the rules part.

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-13 15:38:04

Rules? Ah! Who needs rules with poetry? Only in school. I like poems who break "rules."

Monisawa · 2005-10-13 15:38:13

blewjewl wrote:

alrighty then, now that i have your attention whether you are impressed or not, here is something a little more valid:
Chapter Seven (from some unnamed childrens story)

I liked this a whole lot. There was good descriptions and viable dialog being shot back and forth between the characters. Very believable.

The only problem that I have....is that the characters are hard to follow....who is talking to who...and what the silver thing that she has...is and DOES.

anyway. Still its pretty sweet! I like the imagery. (course you problably know that already.)

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-13 15:39:43

I would like to apologize and say...sorry if I'm not uplifting! I really like all your guy's writing. It's just...if I comment on something...I'll..end...up...talking FOREVER. >.< With praises and suggestions and yea...it would fry ya'lls brains. Unless you really want me to...so I'm sorry if I sound condemning...cuz I'm not trying to be. *Hide*

Monisawa · 2005-10-13 15:50:37

Seraphim Moonshadow wrote:

The Moon Ravens of Terra's Fall
CHAPTER ONE

DON"T EAT ME!!!!!

Okay with that said...I must admit that your story had a very good....how do you put it? A...Pull. It was very good at quickly pulling the reader into the story and gathering their attention. Very good descriptions too. Though at first I thought the main character was a girl. ^__^ hahaha that is funny. My mind was filled with many images and pictures and I was thinkin' about drawing a pic for this, but the picture I had thought of was a girl...sigh...I might draw it as a girl anyway...but you will have to take it with a grain of salt. It probably won't look like what you had imagined. -_- Whenever I get time to do it.

anyway, on to the crituques...

#1. Okay. I have to love this. You used Sapphire. You even used it correctly...I think that blewjewl will be most happily satisfied. *wink.

#2. Okay, the bird creature/raven that the rider rides....I don't think that its claws should whisper. "its claws whispering across the rocky floor" I think of a whisper as a soft sound....almost whimsical. A claw would not whisper, it would click, scrap, screech, tear, grind, crunch....this are all words with edge. A claw is an edge thingy that, at least I would think, would make an edgy noise.

Just a suggestion.

Monisawa · 2005-10-13 15:53:13

Seraphim Moonshadow wrote:

I would like to apologize and say...sorry if I'm not uplifting! I really like all your guy's writing. It's just...if I comment on something...I'll..end...up...talking FOREVER. >.< With praises and suggestions and yea...it would fry ya'lls brains. Unless you really want me to...so I'm sorry if I sound condemning...cuz I'm not trying to be. *Hide*

I hope my last two comments answer this epedemic of yours. I think that people want the honest truth...maybe just a little toned down. ^_^ sigh..... So answer as you will. After all, what would make a good story better, could be a comment that you tell them.

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-13 15:55:49

Ah, good suggestion. You got a real good point there. Thank-you very muchos. Mwa....Well, lol. Arigatou....

And you can draw all yah want! It sounds good to me.

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-13 16:01:16

Also, the moon raven was the WEIRDEST thing I ever saw. One night I was out with two of my friends, just looking over at the moon. We saw a dark shape and it passed over the moon. IT WAS HUGE. I am not lying to you. It had membrane like wings and a fairly long tail. It looked REALLY weird and then it flew off and circled once more but that was the only good look at it. I thought it was some weird bird but with the way the moon shone through the wings, I don't know what it was. I only know what I saw. You would have thought it was some kind of glider but it FLAPPED, so I don't QUITE know what it was. One of my friends called it a moon raven, so that's where I got the idea from.

Monisawa · 2005-10-13 17:19:23

whoooo. man don't creep me out.

You are starting to get the creative juices runnin' through me as well. STOP!!! Augh.

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-13 17:47:47

Woo! GO CREATIVE JUICES!

blewjewl · 2005-10-14 09:18:17

hersa few for moon's story, sorry I know these suggestions are all mixed up, it's being written as I think of them, like a free write. I think the voice is interesting at the begining, it's a cross between a mystical sorta narrative and casual speaking. I'm not sure they mix, or who talks like that. Don't change it just cuz I said that, but think about voice if you haven't already and if you really want it to sound that way. I agree with Mike that whispering doesn't go there, I think that phrase is cliche, we all love it and use it. On the good side, if you don't use it there, there are lots of possibilities of where else you can use it. (yay!)
"there was the smallest bit of air that accident escaped"
thasa typo right? other wise it didn't make any sense, and i was trying to make it make sense. sometimes in fantasy stories where you have different rules and worlds you try to make it make sense in a whimsical way before you think " oh, maybe it's a typo."
I didn't think the next sentence about his eyes made that much sinse, but I like it that way. I didn't think you needed the word extremely before softly in there. I thought it could use a little more description, I wasn't sure if the rider was actually in the cave or not and how many they were. Maybe you explain that soon, but is it a rider on a raven and that's it, just the two of them? I want to know more about what this creatue looks like and maybe if you describe it later it might fit better or it makes the present scene more intense, but you can control the few descriptions you have here and they should all go together. Kinda going back to that whipsering thing, but even though it sounds cool, does whispering and slithering and the other things all fit together? ( We're all breathlessly waiting for more on that...) Very nice writing style! I hope they find the kid, wouldn't seem real otherwise, but it looks like they're about to. Uh, oh, how about this one : Behind him the moonlight ceased in the cave? the moonlight in the cave is in front of him isn't it? Maybe rephrase that one. And that's about all I have for that, it sounds really good! And you're not unuplifting. Or whatever.
For Mike, I will get to your story soon, but I was going to quench some of your curiousity on my exerpt.
Since it's all the way in Chpt. 7 , those things are all answered earlier in the story but here are a couple.
The silver stone was given to Harmony by her mother, who is a sorceress. When she breaths across it's surface, she can understand and speak to animals. The Prince is her Father and the horse is still a fairly new character at this point in the story, but you can read the story to find out about him.

Here is a scene with the whispering thing in it, just for fun:
(yay fun!)
ok, really:

Vasheera's walk was an icy whisper on the cave's floor where she dwelt. A dozen black foxes restlessly paced with her. The night was no longer young and of all the deadly little shadows she had sent away earlier that night, one had still not returned. The black roses climbing the cave swayed, Vasheera tasted a strange but familiar venom on the breath of the passing wind. She felt the hair on her neck bristle. Something was wrong. She sent two more after the first. They slipped into the grassy hillside, easily escaping the moon's light though it smothered the hills.

They returned just before dawn. Trembling as Vasheera's cold, black fury washed over them, the two foxes gently laid their missing companion at her feet. Vasheera knelt and ran her white fingers through his dark fur. His body was rigid with only a trace of warmth left; he'd been dead awhile, maybe all night. A growl boiled in her throat. He'd been poisoned.

blewjewl · 2005-10-14 09:25:04

Oh ya, I forgot.
Bellydancers. They are immodest. In America!
Over in Eygpt a lot of them are modest, so much so that women won't dance around men and the very government has laws about what they can and can't show. Can you imagine living in a country where it's illegal to show your stomach??
Bellydancers vs. Vampires....
Vampires are super cool, but between dancing and sucking blood, I'd rather dance.
There is just something deeply disturbing about a creature who has to suck the life out of another creature to sustain itself. Proabably why there are so many good Vampire stories. And leeches. I hate leeches. Very scary.

Seraphim Moonshadow · 2005-10-14 11:07:05

I hate leeches, too. Well, my vampires are...very different. And thank ye for teh comments. *Bows* And..yeah..that's...so vividly a typo. *Giggle* I really like your little story thing. Well, maybe I'll write more. I feel sorta inspired now...*Giggle*

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