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Actually, I really like this. It shows great promise if it is reworked and is an entertaining story. Why did the witch want to marry a prince, but then change her mind? Why did she like the other prince's answers when they were being insulting, but when Mo was polite she was insulted? What is going to happen to all of them?
Unfortunately she only posted part of the story. She has the rest and showed it to some of us at the writing group....meeting thing. I bet if you ask her, she will post the rest of it, so that you can understand what happens and where she had been coming from.
BTW, missed you at family night yesterday. -_- not that we did anything...really.
thanks
mike
For Mike, I will get to your story soon, but I was going to quench some of your curiousity on my exerpt.
Since it's all the way in Chpt. 7 , those things are all answered earlier in the story but here are a couple.
The silver stone was given to Harmony by her mother, who is a sorceress. When she breaths across it's surface, she can understand and speak to animals. The Prince is her Father and the horse is still a fairly new character at this point in the story, but you can read the story to find out about him.
....OHHH...I see, I understand now. ^_^ I should have taken that into account before I commented.
BTW, I like your little paragraph excerpt. It was very clear on its imagery...at least in my head. -__- I find it amusing when someone takes a word and is INSPIRED by it....perhaps even create a whole bunch of things about it. ^_^ Just from one word. Inspirations are so strange. I was reading in the temple prep book, and it was talking about symbology....and that the strange markings we put on paper mean something. The word 'Eternity' is supposed to represent the vast infinite existance of time. Words, when carefuly thought about are pure and AWSOME. Though they are awkward and are usually overlooked for their true meanings. Just one sentence, with some very choice words, could say an entire story....just by the words it uses.
and to Saraphim....uh, how do you sorta feel inspired?? and maybe I will write some more?? ^_^ well whatever is best.
Thanks for participating!!!
mike
Speaking of waves, after reading that I feel like I have been out on the ocean (not like I have ever been out there) I feel rather seasick.
I thought that it kind of turned itself in a wandering circle.......*_* -_- o_0
Bah, who needs video game systems. I HAVE A COMPUTER, A SCANNER, AND A WACOM, AND PENCIL, PAPAER, NOTEBOOKS, PENS, COLORED PENCILS, MARKERS, WATERCOLORS.... ETC. I have everythin I need to entertain me.
mwa wa ah ah hahaha ah.
Whereever I go, I don't make it a habit to ask what they are putting in me. Just the fact that they are stabbin me is enouph. -__-
I tried it with Internet Explorer, Firefox, AND Mozilla. I even tried picking through the HTML source....they all say the word "Embed." Must be some kind of saftey feature that they have added to flash.
whoooo. man don't creep me out.
You are starting to get the creative juices runnin' through me as well. STOP!!! Augh.
.....NOT any more. I just bumped you down by one. ^_^ *Smiles evily!!!!! Wha ha ha ha haaaaa
and I actually spent time on it. WOW....how long has it been since I actually spen time on an oekaki.......uh, to hard to remember.
I would like to apologize and say...sorry if I'm not uplifting! I really like all your guy's writing. It's just...if I comment on something...I'll..end...up...talking FOREVER. >.< With praises and suggestions and yea...it would fry ya'lls brains. Unless you really want me to...so I'm sorry if I sound condemning...cuz I'm not trying to be. *Hide*
I hope my last two comments answer this epedemic of yours. I think that people want the honest truth...maybe just a little toned down. ^_^ sigh..... So answer as you will. After all, what would make a good story better, could be a comment that you tell them.
The Moon Ravens of Terra's Fall
CHAPTER ONE
DON"T EAT ME!!!!!
Okay with that said...I must admit that your story had a very good....how do you put it? A...Pull. It was very good at quickly pulling the reader into the story and gathering their attention. Very good descriptions too. Though at first I thought the main character was a girl. ^__^ hahaha that is funny. My mind was filled with many images and pictures and I was thinkin' about drawing a pic for this, but the picture I had thought of was a girl...sigh...I might draw it as a girl anyway...but you will have to take it with a grain of salt. It probably won't look like what you had imagined. -_- Whenever I get time to do it.
anyway, on to the crituques...
#1. Okay. I have to love this. You used Sapphire. You even used it correctly...I think that blewjewl will be most happily satisfied. *wink.
#2. Okay, the bird creature/raven that the rider rides....I don't think that its claws should whisper. "its claws whispering across the rocky floor" I think of a whisper as a soft sound....almost whimsical. A claw would not whisper, it would click, scrap, screech, tear, grind, crunch....this are all words with edge. A claw is an edge thingy that, at least I would think, would make an edgy noise.
Just a suggestion.
alrighty then, now that i have your attention whether you are impressed or not, here is something a little more valid:
Chapter Seven (from some unnamed childrens story)
I liked this a whole lot. There was good descriptions and viable dialog being shot back and forth between the characters. Very believable.
The only problem that I have....is that the characters are hard to follow....who is talking to who...and what the silver thing that she has...is and DOES.
anyway. Still its pretty sweet! I like the imagery. (course you problably know that already.)
poetry is one of things that will drive you crazy in school cuz it doesn't make sense and they want you to make it make sense. but when you are creating it, it's fun and it's hard to say anything about it cuz poetry breaks all the rules.
With the poems....I am not sure I liked writing them at school. You had to wear a straight jacket and and there was a WHOLE lot of rules to follow...and and it was worse than doing math. SO MANY RULES to write a particular type of poem...especially the ones they wanted you to write. I like the breaking of the rules part.
If you want a lame example of what I might be like....just think of Jeremy. I say lame because we are opposites in what we do and how some of our personality is....but whenever we were at the same place and people would see us, they would say..."Oh, are you guys twins????" Psha!!! No WAY!!!! They also say that about me and my younger brother too. So we are a family of triplets. Even though I am 3 years younger than Jeremy and Jeff is 2 years younger than me.
BTW, just as a side note, I am not calling Jeremy lame. I just wanted to feel special and use a new vocabulary word for the day!!!
thanks
mike
It is exagerated. But to me, I have had a whole lot.
Most of the shots were when they were deadening the flesh around a wound so they could sew it. Which was 11-12 times in a small concentrated area. But since the hospital did it wrong, I had to have 11-12 more shots to deaden the area again, so my doctor could pull out the stitches and DO THE WHOLE THING OVER AGAIN. Yuck....-_- sigh. That is most of my shot experiences....I won't talk about the many others....which truthfully they would all eventually equal 50 in total. Just not Tetenus shots though.
(pauses for a second....) How did we GET on this subject. *shivers.
Tried Jeremy. Seems they have some sort of super method that they embed it INTO the flash...and then it pulls it from somewhere else on the site.....er somthin' ..and....all I get on the saved flash is that short button intro. -_-
sorry I tried.
#1. With you worrying about copyrights.....print off what you have written so far, or a good and detailed small summary of the story and the characters and mail it to yourself through USPS...and NEVER open it. That way you can prove that you created it first. That is what I did with teamclaw SEVERAL times. oh...and don't forget to hide it. Just as a note, put the address and the stamp on the side that you seal. Write the address and put the stamp on, after you have put the printed off parts....or summary of your story and the characters, in the envelope.
#2. Just as a side note, your post title says 1995-1005 ......-_- I thinks it should be 2005, but whatever works for you. I don't know if you plan to go back in time and write it....or just wait for the year 11005 AD. Whatever comes first.
#3. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME MEEEEE!!!! JEREMY IS COMING TO VISISISISIIIIIIIIT ME!!! agaiin.....geez I thought we had just done this. -_- *Smiles evily.
#4. With this posted here, I will be able to more easily sort though your story. Thanks for posting it here. ^_^ mucha mucha!!!
O_o Well, I like some of your...description, but some of it doesn't make sense..and...why...bellydancers?
I would have to agree that some of it didn't make sense.....but it is proably the style that she used. If you look at each line individually, everything is real cool.
and with Bellydancers....uh, I wonder if I should say anything or let blewjewl explain herself...and why she mentioned that, or said that.
thanks for the postS!!!!!
Cool image Saraphim!!!!! The only problem is that the link is not a link...and it makes it HARD to slelect the text so I could VIEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrr.r anywayt the image was guud. Okay!!!!
Jus' Like my story too. -_- sigh......Teamclaw needs a lot of work. Maybe once I get back from my mission I will revise it.
That sounds sweet! Oh, btw, WELCOME Jeremy to the WRITING GROUP!!!!!
Don't mention them too much around me. I will deal with them....but I don't like them.
You going to add them again? I never got a chance to read any of them. Maybe if you post them in small 3-4 paragraph spurts once a week, we could evaluate them, or read them easilyer. -_* Hmmmm.....
Some of the porportions are a little off..
Yes, I know. After I finished the picture and had it sent to you, I held it up to the light and suddenly.....*GASP there was a couple things that should have been fixed. The one I saw immediately was the proportion of the girl's head....but when I added the left ear, where it propperly went, the person balanced, for the most part, out.
Think cloth, very durable cloth. Its explained in the story.
Okay.....some things I hinted at and left to the imagination....much like a cat holding a sword...but how I envisioned Nemo and his suit was pretty basic. I wasn't exactly solid on every detail of how it was desighned, but imagine something japanese or chinese. It is a fabric that would most likely be worn by a stealth ninja. In fact most of the desighn hangs HEAVILY around Ninja and the 'asian genre' of such martial arts and things....BUT you have to remember that the suit comes from a place that is not from Earth. The fabric LOOKS weak, tearable, ripable, burnable, destructable....but there is no real proof of how much it TRULY can stand. In episode 6-7 you learn only a faction of the true nature of the suit.
Jeremy and I also discussed about how there needed to be some kind of clear face-plate...to protect against anything else that the suit would not...or maybe not at all. I DO know that the suit is generally a very DARK color. It could be Black, Green, Red...or some thing close to it....but it is VERY dark, so that Nemo, in his earlier years, could do stealth missions with it. Use your imagination. perhaps it could have writing on its fringes...or somehting to that affect.
Truthfully the best idea is to research several concepts, merge them into the desighn...and then do several sketches....and then if you are still not sure, post the sketches and I can give some feedback. Generally I will agree with your decissions anyway.
As for the thumb (or lack of it) that is left up to the imagination. So anything you do will work. I personally like to think that they can use one of their fingers as an opposable digit.
Okay.......Smile I knew this was coming. The DREADED, 'how can a cat hold a sword,' problem.
Initially I decided to add a comment to one of my stories....I think it was 5.....and I stated that Nemo, or any of the other sword wielding cats would rest the sword inbetween their 4 front fingers...thus resting the hilt of the sword on the lower wrist. -_- I hope that helps. That was my initial idea. Truthfully, I didn't aim to actually describe how it was held.....you could draw the picture so that you are not showing HOW it is being held!!!!!
I hope that you have read all of the story, but all of the cats that use swords are not from Earth. If that helps you understand, then you also have a creative liberty in that aspect as well.
thanks for asking.
if for some reason you are still confused ask the question again, or rephrase it and I will talk at you again.
tahnks
mike
Good for you. I expected that you did. I was basically saying that the picture is FREE reighn. You can have fun with it and do whatever you want.
thansk
mike