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#3 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-10-24 19:40:54

Yrgramul, I'm assuming you don't want me to answer this plethora of questions, it's just for making me think. But here are a couple:
Dern, wouldn't you be upset of your fox was poisoned??
There are other reasons, but most are vague clues at this point in the story, hints, foreshadowing and general things to make the reader wonder what will happen next or what is going on kinda thing.
Where could I insert "but one"?


The other one with the girl and the Prince is from a child's story, therefore it is written a little more... obvious? in some ways. Plainly saying it's "foreboding" might strengthen a young readers vocab and make it more clear where it's repetitive to adults, but it can be played with. I like "dawn's light" better though and most of the other as you guessed is already answered earlier in the story as this is the very last chapter. Thanks for reading.

#4 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-10-14 09:25:04

Oh ya, I forgot.
Bellydancers. They are immodest. In America!
Over in Eygpt a lot of them are modest, so much so that women won't dance around men and the very government has laws about what they can and can't show. Can you imagine living in a country where it's illegal to show your stomach??
Bellydancers vs. Vampires....
Vampires are super cool, but between dancing and sucking blood, I'd rather dance. tongue
There is just something deeply disturbing about a creature who has to suck the life out of another creature to sustain itself. Proabably why there are so many good Vampire stories. And leeches. I hate leeches. Very scary.

#5 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-10-14 09:18:17

hersa few for moon's story, sorry I know these suggestions are all mixed up, it's being written as I think of them, like a free write. I think the voice is interesting at the begining, it's a cross between a mystical sorta narrative and casual speaking. I'm not sure they mix, or who talks like that. Don't change it just cuz I said that, but think about voice if you haven't already and if you really want it to sound that way. I agree with Mike that whispering doesn't go there, I think that phrase is cliche, we all love it and use it. On the good side, if you don't use it there, there are lots of possibilities of where else you can use it. (yay!)
"there was the smallest bit of air that accident escaped"
thasa typo right? other wise it didn't make any sense, and i was trying to make it make sense. sometimes in fantasy stories where you have different rules and worlds you try to make it make sense in a whimsical way before you think " oh, maybe it's a typo."
I didn't think the next sentence about his eyes made that much sinse, but I like it that way. I didn't think you needed the word extremely before softly in there. I thought it could use a little more description, I wasn't sure if the rider was actually in the cave or not and how many they were. Maybe you explain that soon, but is it a rider on a raven and that's it, just the two of them? I want to know more about what this creatue looks like and maybe if you describe it later it might fit better or it makes the present scene more intense, but you can control the few descriptions you have here and they should all go together. Kinda going back to that whipsering thing, but even though it sounds cool, does whispering and slithering and the other things all fit together? ( We're all breathlessly waiting for more on that...) Very nice writing style! I hope they find the kid, wouldn't seem real otherwise, but it looks like they're about to. Uh, oh, how about this one : Behind him the moonlight ceased in the cave? the moonlight in the cave is in front of him isn't it? Maybe rephrase that one. And that's about all I have for that, it sounds really good! And you're not unuplifting. Or whatever.
For Mike, I will get to your story soon, but I was going to quench some of your curiousity on my exerpt.
Since it's all the way in Chpt. 7 , those things are all answered earlier in the story but here are a couple.
The silver stone was given to Harmony by her mother, who is a sorceress. When she breaths across it's surface, she can understand and speak to animals. The Prince is her Father and the horse is still a fairly new character at this point in the story, but you can read the story to find out about him.

Here is a scene with the whispering thing in it, just for fun:
(yay fun!)
ok, really:

Vasheera's walk was an icy whisper on the cave's floor where she dwelt. A dozen black foxes restlessly paced with her. The night was no longer young and of all the deadly little shadows she had sent away earlier that night, one had still not returned. The black roses climbing the cave swayed, Vasheera tasted a strange but familiar venom on the breath of the passing wind. She felt the hair on her neck bristle. Something was wrong. She sent two more after the first. They slipped into the grassy hillside, easily escaping the moon's light though it smothered the hills.

They returned just before dawn. Trembling as Vasheera's cold, black fury washed over them, the two foxes gently laid their missing companion at her feet. Vasheera knelt and ran her white fingers through his dark fur. His body was rigid with only a trace of warmth left; he'd been dead awhile, maybe all night. A growl boiled in her throat. He'd been poisoned.

#6 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-10-12 21:11:10

alrighty then, now that i have your attention whether you are impressed or not, here is something a little more valid:

Chapter Seven (from some unnamed childrens story)

  The dawns light spilled over the hills, frosty and chill. Light touched the trees and hills, light washed over Harmony and the horse she had "tamed" next to the Prince and his horse where they sat on a rise. There was no light however on the dark cave below them, as refusing to touch it, making it even more foreboding. Harmony sighed, rehearsing her weak plan again. They had come in the morning because they hoped the dragon would be sleeping. She planned to awaken the silver stone as soon as she was out of the Prince's sight. Then she hoped to speak with the dragon. Maybe she could bargain with it or persuade it to leave. She rubbed her hands over the horse, absent mindedly. Most animals were better when they understood each other.

  The Prince looked at her as if about to speak but Harmony couldn't bear saying good bye and silently urged the horse forward. It grew colder the closer she came to the cave and she knew it wasn't the morning air. She wished she still had her mother's shawl, a little bit of home, a little warmth. Just at the cave's mouth, she woke the speaking stone around her neck. Horse was grumbling.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked.
"This place smells bad." he muttered. "I know exactly who lives in this cave and this wasn't part of the deal."
"Then why did you come?"
"We had a deal. I believe in keeping my word. Or, you could be killed and then the deal would be over and my freedom come the sooner."
Harmony wanted to say something sharp in return, but she didn't have the heart.
She thought he was right. She climbed down.
"Well, if you're going to be grumpy, you can just stay here." she said.
"Well then I will." The horse said.

She already felt lonely without him, but she didn't want to waste anymore time with him. With only the stone and the sword she stepped into the cave. It grew even colder.

#7 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-10-12 20:46:06

because the phrase bitesize bellydancers is infinitly amusing to me. and something you never woulda thought of.
( hey mike, thought of that one before there was ever anything to explain. ; )    )
it wasn't pose to be a real poem, it was more like the way i make a shake. i stick some random fruit in the blender and see what happens. some of that is nothings and some from about three different poems. i was going to say that maybe they make more sense in thier own respective poems where they belong...
but now i think maybe not. and that makes me happy.
i love to play with words and that was just junk, partly for fun and partly to support this loverly forum cuz i haven't posted in a while.
poetry is one of things that will drive you crazy in school cuz it doesn't make sense and they want you to make it make sense. but when you are creating it, it's fun and it's hard to say anything about it cuz poetry breaks all the rules.
e. e. cummings rocks. even when i have no idea what he's talking about. which is often.

wait, jeremy likes the descriptions or he thinks bellydancers are cool? cuz if he likes bellydancers, i know a couple....
tongue

#8 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-10-12 11:57:49

once was sweet, now unsweet seduced
stepping swiftslow
sweeping and skinlight.

my silent spice to slice the music
stars spark and simmer
my light makes them dimmer
by fiercious fire smolder
my heat makes it colder
i savor to breath steal

but those nights
driven till dawn
are empty and gone

i'll hunt you neath obsidian moons
and slice you
slowly
softly
deeply
with my sweet fanged kisses.

spinning spinning spinning
like drowning stars all
sizzle fizzy in my

spinning

??

um, bite size bellydancers

dreams spilling up the candle wick

spinning makes me sick

spinning spinning spinning
stop

#9 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-29 18:52:33

I invited it, Sis, you spell it your way, i will pretend it's ok to spell it mine. it doesn't look like a little kid wrote it, it looks like someone more mature with a lot of promise to write something worth reading ( who was scarred by the rubber duckie song as a child ) wrote it.

now here is something from me, cuz i haven't in a while.
hmm, i was going to write something loverly and you would all esteem me a writer, good or bad, but i don't know where it went. *sigh* so here is something else that is silly. i forgot all about it but it was for one of my stories in my class for writing for kids. i was actually graded on this.
this is an exerpt from chapter two: "Fortune On the Way."


"   Just then a crazy, scraggly looking black kitty leapt over the side of the pit at the princes who were trapped below.

'Scratches, NO! Bad Kitty!" the witch caught the creature in mid-flight and held her up by the scruff of her neck. "We don't want to eat the princes, I'm going to marry one. Maybe you can have the leftovers."

  She tossed the kitty aside and peered into the pit. "We're going to play a little game." She said to her captives, "The rules are: I make the rules."

The princes galnced at each other as the witch sat back.

"Bachelor Number One!" she cackled, "Where would you take me on our first date?" she flitted her long green eyelashes at Bob.

"Ugh,"said Bob, "the only place I'd take you is the palace dungeon, it's the only place as ugly as you."

The witch giggled, pleased. "Why thank you! That's so romantic! Bachelor Number Two, what's my middle name?"

"Oh I know this one!" said Fred.

"No you don't,"said Bob, "how could you?"

"I met a witch before." said Fred.

"Have not! You should just give up now, you know I'm going to win."

"Yes I have, why do you always fight with me?" Fred was getting spiky and mad again. He didn't get the answer right, but the witch thought he was cute so she let them fight.

"Bachelor Number Three, in the event of a natural disatster and Scratches is thrown out of a window and I can't find my broom, how many warts would you have?"

Mo had no idea what she was talking about and he didn't want to marry a witch. 'Well, ' he thought ' guess I ought to be polite all the same.'

"You smell lovely." He said. It was the only thing he could think of.

The witch gasped. No one had ever insulted her like that before.

"Why you Toad!" she screeched.

ZAP! In a flash of light and smoke, Mo had been turned into a rather large and unpleasant toad. His brothers had changed too. The witch couldn't decide between them so she zapped them together. They were now a two headed prince. They were still fighting and didn't notice."

The only way I could feel worse about that is if one of the characters stared singing the rubber duckie song.
later

#10 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-29 12:54:18

Mermer, it's not bad, but there's no taking it seriously either.

#11 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-28 10:13:40

Whoa...
There are several things I could say to that. The first is that it is very good, I mean really good, I'm impressed and I'm a critical reader, but there are problems. A few things would help, a couple sentences could use a more active voice vs. a passive voice. It will make it sound more energetic, flowing and...confident. Where you talked about his eyes then say it "seemed" to harden his face; there is nothing wrong with that, but the word "seem" leaves room for doubt, if it hardened his face, then say so and leave that out.  And I think the words "by means of" in the first sentence slows it down a little. Maybe say her name again somewhere, just cause I forgot by the time I got to the end. Dialogue could use work as you say, but no one cares about paragraph placement yet.

About your subject. ( How did you know this was coming, right?)
I hated it. Partly cause I could feel it and you can be flattered for that, and partly because we are supposed to seek things that are uplifting and if I flipped open a book in the library and read this page, I would put it back and assume Jesus wouldn't want me to read it. Disgusting.
However, I also believe that touchy subjects deserve attention too but you need to be very careful. We had many discussions about touchy subjects in my creative writing class. One things I got from it, was if your gonna do it, you might want a good reason for it.
You must know that I don't like you swearing. I have met good mormon writers who felt that only a curse word of some kind would fit in this or that situation, in yours for example to make the dialogue real and therefore the character. It's amazing what dialogue can do to a character and the mood. But I don't believe in sacrificing my standards for that. The prophet said don't use them. End of story. I used to love writing horror, I was good and it was my thing, but I try not to. * sigh* Thas not easy. I can garrauntee that most here won't appreciate that, but I'll still read it and it would be great to show it to Linda Adams, some of her things are a little dark, and mostly all in step with our standards, if you haven't read her book, you should! You can borrow my copy.
Other than that, I am dieing to know where you're taking this!
There are so many possibilities! It would be one of those weird crazy action flicks were they spend the whole time on the subway and she turns out to be the hero and she fights him or a freaky twilight zone thing were she's really dead or the subway is death or it could be a mystery or a cop story and I want to know!
Thanks for posting.
-blewjewl

#12 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-23 08:03:55

Ya, I could tell that was freelancing/journalism advice, mostly at the begining. So not my cup of tea, but it's kinda interesting how journalists and novelists and other writers need a lot of the same advice, use similiar techniques etc. It's hard someimes to talk about the writing process, creativity can be so adstract.

#13 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-22 13:23:26

Uh, so many things.

OK, ya, I am Sapphire, hence "blewjewl" and don't worry about poetry being beyond you, I think it is beyond us all, it's so free. 'Cept maybe Shakespeare, he was way amazing.

Mike, I think all of us pick up on things we read. Sometimes after I read a book by an author, I think the way they wrote. But good writers need to be good readers. There is a lot we can learn, from good techniques we see and want to master to cliches that we want to aviod. No matter what, I promise you will always write like Mike! You hvae a unique way of writing, a special perspective. Only you see the world as you do and you have your own styles of expression, your own rythms in writing, different things that fascinate you, things that only you can offer. You might grow and explore other ways, but you will always be Mike and you can't lose an entire person or style by reading another persons book. There are things about you that will always surface.
that's a good writing prompt, though, to try and write like someone else. Much like drawing, trying to imitate someone else's style for a minute can make you better by stretching your abilities.
Also, there are still a hundred things I want to say about your Panda story but here are just a few.
"Softly Sprinkling down, Panda stroked the rain from his fur."
I can tell that's it's starting to rain here, but that is not what the sentence says. Softly and Sprinkling are adjectives that need a noun to describe and the only one here is Panda. So you are saying that Panda is softly sprinkling down while he strokes the rain from his fur. That's awesome, but I think you were trying to say the rain was doing that. Every once in a while, the noun can be implied and not in the sentence, but it doesn't work here. There are some other awkward sentences, but that one is my favourite, I love it.
Ok, the part where you mention a Fox Tail; I don't know that much about the area, but I assumed that a Fox Tail is a kind of plant. The reason I like this is because without taking time out of the story to explain it, I could still tell what it was and that made it richer and more exotic. ( Unless it's not a plant and then you can completely disregard that. )
The temple could use more work, but it was interesting because it was somewhere along the same lines.

One of the best bits of writing advice I have ever heard and that I think you could use here is to cut. Cut anywords and sometimes sentences that don't need to be there.
Maybe this one:
" At the knoll of the hill, he was standing on his hind legs, overlooking the slopes and dips of amny hills that were also around him."
you can leave out the " were also around him." if he can see them , we know they are there.
I like this section of your story, but how much of it needs to be there? What is the purpose of the whole section?
Unfortunately, just because something sounds nice isn't a good enough reason to keep it.
Last thing, remember that it's your story. Writing advice and suggestions are great, but do what you think is best.

(whew) Thas it.

#14 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-19 07:22:21

I will call all of them again and bug them. I'm pretty good at that when I want to be. As a matter of fact it's 7 in the morning, it would be a good time to bug someone now...
smile
And I was thinking about trying to get with you sometime to tell you in person so that I don't have to write it again. it wasn't a computer fault, it was a faffer fault. I didn't know what I was doing and I lost it all by myself.
I'm multitalented like that. Or maybe antitalented.

#15 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-16 21:29:52

OK Mike, I just wrote you a lot of stuff about your story but... I lost it I guess. I'm tired and not about to try it again, so I will tell you what I can remember later.
Sorry!
Sapphire

#16 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-13 21:35:02

Hey Mike, there are several things I like about this. I like how the feeling or the tempo changed, ( that's fascinating to me) my favorite part of this bit is the part where you describe the garden. Neato Burrito images, I would love to have more images and a more clear description, but that probably wouldn't fit, as a matter of fact, I'm not sure that  I understand why it's there in the first place. But it's cool.
I think I can tell that you were more rushed, the other is more...fine. Or something.
Just wondering, do you type it here as you write it or do you write it in a note book first? I usually write in a notebook first, and if nothing else that will force me to rewrite it later cuz everything hasta be typed up if it goes anywhere. And even though I usually know what will happen when I work on a story, a lot of things come to me as I write. Also fascinating.
OK, I am tired, but I will look at your Panda story more tomorrow and write it all apart. To death. To pieces. The word pie is in the word pieces.
( whoa, really tired...)
Remember that it's all suggestions, you are the master of your own works.
tongue jus cuz
G' night!
Sapphire

#17 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-10 19:21:53

Hey Mike, I dinna disappear, I check this thing everyday. And I am very waiting for your Panda story.  ;]

#18 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-07 22:12:36

Whoa wait, you guys mean you are ok with me telling you about grammer? Tell me I read that right before I go on, cuz I'm not nearly as good as Mike thinks, but I can dish it out, and I will if you want it.
Ya, Mike I know you are a very visual person, but it's a strength.
OK, *sigh* I guess it's my turn now.
Two things, this first is an exerpt from a poem called "Nerajah." Nerajah is sorta a place in my mind, it is the name I have given to my inspiration, when my muse speaks to me, I say I have found my Nerajah. Off and On I work on this poem that describes the Jungle of Nerajah and the way the people live there. Oh ya, one more thing, the greatest thing about writing poetry; there are no grammer rules! yippee!

Still I taste the DeathBath

first pour the milkycandlelight into her water
Nerajah sunsets on her skin
with she at nothing stares
       she leans

spilling
 
    water
   
    speaking blood

  into the liquid light

snaking rivers slit the glow
slither shadows casting slow

over face

till she whispers away
  her last breaths heat

the poisonfading air barely stirring




And this is from a story I'm working on. I wanted to include this so that Mike wouldn't think that every thing I write is dark or depressing like that old story. I don't remember it much, but I remember one where a girl found a body hanging in a cemetery...


  Kado was looking at the brown powdery contents of the jar when he heard someone yell. His heart jumped in his throat, it could only be Sephira, but how did she know? Hastily he headed back the way he came, maybe he could find his way out of the lab and be gone before she found him there.
  Suddenly he heard the door open and slam against the wall. Too late.
"Kado!"
Kado turned and ran in the other direction and immediantly felt like a coward. She was just a stupid girl - abruptly the image of her blazing sword flying against Hawk filled his mind and he ran faster.
" Kado, don't you dare run from me! " her voice rose to a screech and seemed to fill the winding rooms of the lab.
  He stopped in a cluttered corner, unsure of what to do when he looked down and realized he was still holding the jar of "Remembering." He couldn't put it back now. He heard her coming closer, not snaking around the halls, but somehow coming straight for him, yelling threats at the top of her lungs. He looked around for a place to hide, or at least hide the jar. She must've only been a hall away when he saw a small black cauldron on a table. He shoved the jar into the cauldrom and watched in shock as it disappeared with a small popping noise.

#19 Re: Monisawa's Writing Group » The Writing Group » 2005-09-07 11:05:16

Hi guys, I have no idea what I am doing, kinda computer illiterate. But I'm trying. OK, to Rachel's story. I think there are a few awkward sentences in your story like this one ( sorry if i write it wrong): " Fiala heard the slow long whistle, coming from the south side of the village, through the din of the talking women easily." If she heard it easily then I think the adjective 'easily' should be closer to 'heard,' the word it modefies.  Maybe she could easily hear the long, slow whistle through the din of talking women. ? And less commas will make it less choppy. I know that sounded like an engligh teacher, but I promise I make more than my fair share of mistakes and I hate it when I ask for feed back and all I get is grammer advice, that is so not what I was looking for! So besides a few little things like that, I like it. I already want to know what will happen and who are these ppl? I want to know more about their culture and what life is like in those mountains since that is interesting to me and you already have a world of your own going.
Funny that you  need to be reminded to add imagry since that is all that I've seen from you so far and it's great that you are good at dialogue. Cuz I'm not. smile
And for Mike's Panda story:
The third sentence is repetitive, it will be smoother if you cut it a little. I don't think you need the last "onto the water" esapcially since you already have him looking at himself in the water and the words mirrored and reflected, they all mean the same thing. And the next sentence " Smiling to itself, the Panda knew he was very happy."  You don't need to say he was happy, we can tell cuz he is smiling. ( you showed so you don't need to tell and showing is better than telling anyway.) Most of us don't label what we are feeling either, we are feeling it so we already know. And if it's a he, you don't need to call him an 'it.'  So a couple of awkward sentences, but it's good! Great exotic images and it's refreshing next to the book I'm reading. The thing I like the best is that besides creating a scene or and image or a character, you've actually created an emotion. I can feel the lazy peace and that is so cool!! I could almost read this before bed to help me sleep. I would love to see you create all kinds of emotions and I can't wait to see what his dream will be.
I was gonna write some of my own stuff, but I feel like I talked too much, so I will write it next time.
Till then.

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