I believe that the most important thing that I can do right now is to relax. Things are not going to go well all the time. Unexpected things are going to happen to me, and I can’t be bent out of shape because of them. I must gather my courage and forge ahead. Its time that I become a man, but also a leader of my own heart.
more or less, I need to begin again. I do not know all, nor do I know much, but what I do know is that I am not enough. I leave much to be desired on the grand scale of humanity, for achievement, for honor and justice, for life.
Perhaps, when the time is right, when I make the time right, I can overcome all that holds me down.
Perhaps, I really am good enough to do all that God would have me do by virtue of my existence.
Perhaps, as I separate myself from my past, I can once again see a bright future, like when I was on my mission. I saw accomplishment at every turn, power to do all that was right, and a will to keep on going.
I do not wish to over romanticize my past, I was a raw ball of emotion, just as prone to rage as not. If I have done one thing over the course of my 32 years, it is recognize that I have done very little to curb that rage, only that I recognize its presence. It disgusts me, how can I love myself when I have such a gaping hole in my character.
God loves me and that is enough to convince me of my worth, I do not wish to sound despondent and hopeless, for there is light. There is a God, he is my father, and he wishes me to return to him. I know it, and I cannot deny it. If I did deny it, I would be lying in the face of God, and only hellfire awaits those who deny the light when it is shining in their face.
Onward then, and become something greater, keep moving forward, do not dawdle. There is very little time.
Made the big step, and I’m more excited than ever. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and events, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I have a wife, she is so precious. I am so thankful that I did this with the most beautiful girl in the world, I love her so much.
Lost this in the bits of the internets somewhere, but here it is newly restored and amazing!
I’ve looked inward for far too long to not notice what is happening to me. I wonder if it for the best for me to change for the wrong reasons, if this makes it less permanent or if it will even work. I know that there are things that need to happen, things that I need to change. For one, I am far too selfish. I think of no one but myself, and even when I’m thinking about others, its only with relation to how they affect my life. I am so heavily disconnected from real emotional attachment that I’m not even sure what is up or down anymore. I think stiff-necked would be a perfect description. Entropy, apathy, empty, what am I really? Can I be fixed? I think so, but its going to take a lot of work. I’m getting married in august, that doesn’t leave me much time to figure things out. Maybe the expectation that I can fix everything before is wrong on its head, because isn’t that trying to attain perfection. I’m so confused, more on this later.